Leaving Shadows, Finding Light
Jeremie Wade | November 10, 2024
In our “Stories of Hope” series, we’re sharing stories of salvation, life-change and God at work in the lives of Living Hope. Pastor Jeremie Wade shares how illness, abuse, and sexual sin kept him in hiding for most of his life, but now his wounds give testimony to God’s power over sin to give him new life.
My story begins at birth, marked by health issues that affected every aspect of my early life. Within hours of birth, I started exhibiting skin issues, and as I grew as a child autoimmune, lung and digestive issues manifested. I was covered in sores and would often wake up to blood-stained sheets, a nightly reminder of my condition. I can remember putting socks on my hands trying to protect myself from all the itching. So my experience at school and church were not pleasant because of these issues. I just hid. As you might expect, I was bullied a lot because I looked different, acted different. Because of these health issues, my relationship with the Lord and the church was marked by anger. I struggled to understand why God would create me this way and blamed Him for my suffering. To my young mind, authority figures — including teachers, my parents, and God — failed me.
One incident from my early childhood still haunts me. When I was still young in elementary I was sexually abused by a teacher. That experience left an imprint on me, causing anxiety and physical symptoms like hair loss and ulcers. My parents thought the medicine was causing all my hair loss, but I was actually coping with the trauma by ripping out my hair. But no one saw the truth behind my strange behavior. I internalized the trauma, developing unhealthy coping mechanisms to suppress my feelings, and grew resentful of the world around me.
By middle school, my anger festered and I spent years pointing the finger at everyone else like they were the cause of my problems. I acted like they were responsible for my pain and suffering. Then, one day, my parents dragged me to church, as they often did. It was there that I heard a pastor speak words that cut through my anger and pain, making me face my own sins for the first time. The Holy Spirit does what the Spirit does and it was like God breathed new life to awaken my soul. I began to recognize my sin and hate it. So right as I was going into high school, I gave my life to Christ.
But faith didn’t erase my struggles. Around this time, I was exposed to pornography, first by a neighbor and then by a friend. This opened the door to a dark struggle that followed me through high school and college. Even after committing myself to Christ, I was unsure how to battle my inner demons. I kept my struggles hidden, burdened by shame and a desire to protect my image.
I met my wife, Sarah, in college. She was a light in my life, someone who saw my flaws but didn’t abandon me. There were times she caught me in my sin, and while it hurt her, she showed me forgiveness. She was the first human being who showed me the deepest, tangible love, mercy and forgiveness of Christ I have ever felt. This grace humbled me and convinced me I wanted to spend my life with her. In 2003, we married and began our life together.
We moved to Louisville for seminary, where I studied and served in ministry. We had a wonderful church community and had our son, Ethan, in 2006. I still struggled with pornography, but my men’s group helped me see that I wasn’t alone and I started to receive good accountability. There were seasons of victory, but I often fell back.
The lowest of lows came when Sarah was pregnant with our second child. She came down with a pretty rare condition where the baby’s placement made her bedridden for a few months before birth. Because of the precarious nature of where the baby was sitting, we were told strictly by the doctor’s that there was no moving around other than getting up to go to the bathroom. It was a very difficult and sensitive situation, and at this point I had a pattern in my life of lacking self-control. We were told not to have sex, and one night I initiated and let things go too far. One thing led to another, the baby moved around and Sarah started losing a lot of blood. Early Christmas Eve of 2009, Sarah was rushed to the hospital, Patrick was born and only lived for a few moments.
My lack of self-control had taken my son’s life, and I was devastated. I was doing a “pretty good job” of managing guilt and shame from the pornography stuff, but to lay on top of that the feeling of guilt for murdering your son? That will wreck you.
Around the same time, the senior pastor where I was serving on staff left and ministry was pretty stressful. All of those things were bubbling up and my life, heart, spirit and mind were just toast. I was at the lowest I’ve ever felt. Leaving ministry felt like another loss, but it was necessary. We moved to Nashville to be near family and try to heal. During this time, my health worsened, my autoimmune issues flaring up under the stress and guilt I carried. My body was just attacking itself and my stress was eating me alive. Sarah was my anchor, supporting me even as I struggled to manage my grief and guilt.
In 2012, I found a place at Living Hope Church. For the first time, I opened up about my past, and this honestly became a path to real healing. My mentor, Bill Wade, encouraged me to confront the sins and traumas I’d buried. With accountability and a supportive community, I began to find peace.
But one day in 2020 a passing joke reminded me of the teacher who sexually abused me, and memories flooded back. The exact words that were said triggered an emotional response that made me dizzy and angry. I remember going to my office and sitting in a chair and staring straight into nothing trying to figure out what was going on. It was such an out-of-body sensation, like a veil was being torn like I was beginning to remember things I hadn’t thought about in 20 years. And for the next year, I just tried to just get busy with life and just ignore it.
A year later, I went to the Church Leader’s Conference at Watermark (Community Church in Dallas, Texas) and God used John Elmore to talk about the wounds that we carry. You know, as a male pastor, it is ingrained in us to stuff and hide emotions. Don’t get messy because if there’s any hint that you’re screwed up, your job is on the line. There’s a cultural expectation as a minister to be super Christian. We’re prone to hide everything and not talk about the brokenness. He used Luke 8 to teach how the man with a demon was healed. He wanted to follow Jesus and be with Jesus, but Jesus said, ‘No, return home and declare how much God has done for you.”
We need to show our wounds so we can show our Savior. The whole gospel includes me because he intersects with my story. Just like he told the demoniac to go and share, I’ve got to go share the good news of how my wounds have been healed. Here are the scars! How he healed me isn’t to talk only about my brokenness, but how he healed me from my brokenness and gave me victory over things like anger, shame and guilt. I began to realize after hearing that story that I have to talk about this. It may be embarrassing, but no matter what happens with my family or ministry, I can trust God.
The more I’ve dealt with this, the more I am just in awe of God’s grace and mercy. I’ve begun letting go of some of this guilt and shame that I’ve been carrying for so long. I’ve started to see how all of the things that have happened to me growing up and the things that continue to happen to me, he’s going to use all of these things in my life for His glory and my good. I might not see it fully, but God’s Word is trustworthy. It’s reliable.
The more I’ve shared my story, the more I see that I’m not alone and others have shared experiences, even at Living Hope, I know I’m not alone and He continues to use me as a dirty vessel for his glory and the benefit of the church.
God has a sense of humor. I grew up hating him and hating the church. He calls me to ministry and I love the church and everything I do for the church. God uses all these things. All the stuff we go through in life, all the stuff that I’ve dealt with, I’m thankful because it has brought me to a place of experiencing God’s love, mercy and grace in a much deeper way.
Throughout this journey, I’ve seen God work through my brokenness, transforming my life from anger and bitterness to one of healing and purpose. Looking back, I realize He was there through it all, guiding me towards wholeness, even when I couldn’t see it. Today, I share my story openly, grateful for His mercy and the grace of those who have walked this path with me.