In our “Stories of Hope” series, we’re sharing stories of salvation, life-change and God at work in the lives of Living Hope. Nikki Held shares her journey through seeking validation and love in people, pleasures, or success, but eventually found the undeniable love and joy that comes from Christ.
“I grew up in a family where we said that God existed, but we didn’t live that way. My parents grew up in the church but attending church was not something we did on a regular basis when I was growing up. I had some friends in middle school who were going to church and I asked if I could go with them and my sisters said, ‘That’s a Christian church. We’re Catholic,’ which was news to me.
“I was seeking a lot of fulfillment or validation from everybody. I was seeking a lot of fulfillment or validation from everybody and at the time I assumed I could just gain more love, especially from my parents, if I tried to do everything right. So I was doing everything like being a rule follower and getting good grades. But the validation I received never filled the hole that was in my heart.”
“Later, in high school, both my sisters went to Western. When they would come home on breaks they would watch church on their laptop and asked if I wanted to join. I said, ‘No, but when I get to college I’m going to start going to church since I’ll have the freedom to go.’”
“I got to college and that was not something that I pursued. I got really involved in the sorority and all the extracurriculars that go along with that. I got 2,000 miles away from my parents and I started drinking. Instead of seeking validation or love from my parents, I was drinking for validation. During the day, I still wanted to be the good-grade, rule-following person, but at night I was the complete opposite person. I was living two different lives and none of it was filling that void and giving me the validation or love I wanted. Once I went three weeks without drinking and started feeling better, but I would just fall back into the cycle of smoking and drinking while expecting different results.”
“My sophomore year was a wreck. I was still striving to get good grades and be a leader in my sorority, but I was fighting with who I was. I would still drink, but wake up embarrassed by who I was and never felt like I could talk to anyone else about it. It felt like my burden alone to carry. Every time I went out, I would start crying because I didn’t like who I was. I started going to therapy and thought I could fix myself, but there was something inside me still broken.”
“The summer before junior year I started to feel more of a longing to go back to church and finally went with some friends. I helped with a church’s Vacation Bible School because I needed service hours in my sorority. I started going with my friends a little bit and saw people getting baptized. I felt a desire to do that, but had this fear that if I got baptized, then I would die. They got me connected with a pastor and I didn’t get baptized, but he helped point me to scripture to start reading to better understand Jesus and gave me a copy of New Morning Mercies. I went on my merry way and the book sat on my bookshelf.”
“But I still wanted to meet with someone, so I knew Sarah McDaniel from my sorority as the ‘Jesus Girl’ and asked if she could meet with me to talk about Jesus. She was faithful to not only invite me to Bible study every week, but she picked me up and took me every week. I would still go out and party right afterward. It was the worst semester ever and I had never felt lower in my life. Five nights a week, I was either high or drunk.”
“One week our Bible study was at Kristin Stover’s house and the topic was on guilt and shame, and I just sat in the corner shaking and crying. We talked afterward and I said I was trying to grow in my relationship with God, but it felt like something was blocking it. She responded by saying, ‘Do you even have a relationship with God?’ And I honestly didn’t know how to start one. She said I could pray and ask him to save me from my sins and enter my heart. I told God, ‘I can’t do this on my own. Everything I do just fails and I need you. Please forgive me and take over my life.’”
“Even just driving home that night felt like I was seeing the world with clear eyes. From there on I stopped being as crazy, but I didn’t stop drinking. One night I was drunk at a friend’s house and started crying. I remember saying, ‘I love God so much, but you are not going to believe me because I’m telling you this while I’m drunk.’ I knew you couldn’t tell someone how much God had changed your life if your life didn’t actually look any different. It was then that I understood how your witness could be tarnished. That was four years ago and I haven’t had another drink since.”
“Before coming to Christ, I was drinking for the attention and fulfillment. Now, I knew that I was fulfilled in the Lord and I didn’t need to search for love and fulfillment in anything else. Life was totally different. I remember going to GADS with Sarah and Carleigh Riddle, another new believer at that time, and having the most fun I’ve ever had. I was amazed that you could have so much fun without being drunk or high. I was missing deep connections with people and I wasn’t getting that by drinking or getting high. I started noticing friendships dying off, but I realized there was never a solid foundation of those friendships anyway because they were centered on the next party or the next high. It was quite the journey starting out in the sorority as the social chair and ending my time there as the chaplain.”
“Ever since then, God has blessed me with a wonderful church in Living Hope, wonderful friends and Godly women who have poured into me. I love being able to meet with [college-age and young adult] girls to talk about what Christ has done in my life and how he can change their lives.”
“A verse that has stuck with me is Psalm 31:7-8, ‘I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul, and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a broad place.’ I knew God had seen my affliction and he didn’t ignore it. He knew the hurt and brokenness of my heart and it wasn’t too much for him to forgive. He forgave it all. He didn’t deliver me over to the enemy, but he forgave me and set my feet in a broad place.”